As many of you may know the last few weeks of my life have been devoted to learning and experiencing an ancient Buddhist meditation technique called Vipassana at a camp just out of the beautiful Kaukapakapa. It was during this course that I decided the best way to share my experience was to write about it, since for a long time writing has come easier to me then talking. I wrote and re-wrote this little story in my head more times then I could count eager to share and pass on my understandings but since leaving, of course, I am completely lost for words. So now as I am snuggled up in my new poncho with a cup of tea and my fresh-from-the-oven short bread I feel like there really cant be a better time to have a go- bare with me;
As we drove up the windy gravel road we were aware of our heart beats fastening and breath turning into long deep gasps, little did we know how much more aware we were about to become.
A few months back while I was still in New York a good friend recommended the course to me singing its praises, so while I was in between jobs and feeling utterly lost about my next move I decided to give it a shot. A few days before I was lucky enough to be put in touch with an inspirational person who shared the nervous ride up with me.
I had never found myself in Kaukapakapa before but it truly is a breathtaking place, as was our destination- the Vipassana meditation retreat. Walls of ponga, rimu, totara and flax enclosed us in our little bubble where we were to stay for the next 12 nights. Possums and fantails were as much a welcome addition as we were and happily joined us day and night. But it wasn’t all flowers and sunshine. After being assigned to our rooms and a light dinner we began our noble silence, which was to last until day 10. And if you’re anything like me, a ten minute conversation with someone qualifies as a new pal to smile and greet with a “good morning”, this was something I would quickly have to eradicate for the duration of the course.
Day 1- 4 am and the trusty gong sends shivers through your relaxed and unaware body before going on to echo through the valley. Up we get, filing out of our rooms onto the zigzag path that leads to the meditation hall.
Men and women are almost completely and very deliberately separated for the duration of the course, it is only in the meditation hall (where your eyes are to be closed 90% of the time) where you can peak across the room and see each other. This is one of the many rules we were to abide by in order to avoid distractions.
Blankets, cushions and seating arrangements were given, giving the mediation hall an orderly cult like feeling which can be kind of amusing at times. That first few hours of meditation went a bit like this: “meditate Monique, concentrate, oh shit wake up, wake up………focusssss focccccuuusssssssssss”, asleep again. “Ah crap wake up!” third time lucky? Nope, “hmmmm, this is going to be an issue, its impossible to stay awake!”
At the end of day one I was sure a month in the real world must have been and gone. Falling into bed at 9.30pm, after an intense 1 hour lecture by the rather hilarious/painfully wise S.N. Gokena (our teacher), felt like heaven.
By the time day three came around I had already planned my escape, but then decided that I would stay the ten days purely to prove a point but stay in my own little imaginary world, changed my mind and decided I would devote my existence to this practice, changed my mind again and planned my world wide travels and business ideas about 800 times.
But I had also learnt a few valuable lessons; having a shawl with you is key, a drink bottle filled with water is a welcome luxury, you can wish for slippers about 60 times in one day, shaving your legs every day kills a good 5 minutes and stuffing your face with the delicious vegetarian cuisine on offer pretty much kills any chance of mediation for the next 5 hours. (That last one you should take note of if you’re considering giving this a go. You get breakfast at 6.30am and lunch at 11.30am, in the next 19 hours you only get one chance to have a cuppa and piece of fruit but that is all, so when food time does come around you can imagine the need to over eat- try not to circum to this desire. )
On the fourth night things started intensifying for me. I was kept awake during the majority of those precious hours of sleep hanging over the toilet. Sure I had a tummy bug, I sat and felt sorry for myself and disappointed that I wouldn’t last the duration of the course. But much to my surprise our assistant teacher was a little less sure. She explained to me that this was more then likely the next step of my practice and a very positive response. That my body was literally, and very physically detoxing my past miseries. And sure enough by lunchtime of day five I was back in the game feeling fine. At the end of the course we got to chat to fellow students and I found out that most people experienced some kind of sudden symptoms at some point of their stay.
For me personally after day five, life started to get a little easier. By day eight I was walking on clouds. I had learnt how to stay balanced and not react to the agonising pain in my lower back that I was getting from sitting for 11 hours a day. I had also mastered the illusion of penetrating through my entire body like I was made of air.
On day eight I also had a few sweet hours where I felt a little high. Thankfully we were on a tea break so I was able to giggle to myself at every blade of grass and funny tree branch as I did my routine laps around the gardens. At the time I put it down to a mix of sleep deprivation and the longest stretch of my life where music, t.v, talking and writing did not exist (these were all luxuries that were banned while we were there). But for some reason, the next mediation sitting was by far the most amazing one I had, which made me second guess the reasoning for those emotions.
Day ten rolled around and the buzz of excitement about being allowed to talk that day kept everyone on their toes. But when the moment arose, the vibrating screech of chatter on the women’s side was all too overwhelming and exhausting. I actually had to sneak away for a peaceful shower and for the rest of our free time that day I made an effort to hide out on the male’s side for some peace and quiet.
On our last day at the camp the mood had shifted again. The uncontrollable craving to leave the place had left and the desire to join the real world had become a little scary. The morning was filled with swapping details and having deep conversations that were both calming and exciting as well as inspiring and unnerving with some beautiful beautiful people that I feel so lucky to now know.
And there we were before I knew it, loading up the car and I gosta thinking “it feels like we were unpacking yesterday”. That funny thing “time,” had gotten away with me again. As we drove out along that winding gravel road, back to the real world, I couldn’t help but feel so blessed that from now on, I get to use that funny thing “time” to live with, experience and learn from Vipassana. That precious precious time, in this precious precious world.
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well dun Mon its real kool to hear such an indepth account of what its like, it makes it in some ways a little less daunting to know what to expect etc.
ReplyDeleteLots of love xxx